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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Clean Harry

Funny stuff at: Lots of Jokes

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:  '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Test for Alzheimers

The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a single mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Wise Move..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

People Are Still Using IE6

The news item reported here reports that Microsoft have celebrated <= 1% US IE user's are now using IE6.

My gosh, I would have thought that IE6 was long dead. The most surprising thing about the news article is the mention that is >25% of IE users in China are using IE6, South Korea >6% and Japan >5%.

It seems that in the asian countries, people are more conservative about technological change. Surprising considering the amount of technical innovation taking place in that part of the world.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Messy cleanup for the local council

The Christmas Day hail storm left many of the gum trees in the local streets in tatters. I put through a call to Parks and Gardens the following day asking them to do something about the huge gum tree branch that landed across our front garden. They came today to do the cleanup - 8 days and 2 followup calls later.

I asked if they were going to trim off the branches that are hanging down from the trees as these will probably come down in the thunder storm expected tonight. 'We're much too busy to do that at the moment. We'll have to come back.' was their response.

It seems to me that, since they are already on-site with all their equipment, it's false economy to leave work unfinished and need to return to do it. We are talking about maybe 5 minutes to do the job.

No wonder council rates sky-rocket every year. I wonder also if any organisation can squander money as well as local councils do.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reverend Billy Graham

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

Work for an operator

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

* * *

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator : Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.

Operator : Where are you calling from?

Caller : The living room

* * *

Caller : The water board please.

Operator : Which department?

Caller : Tap water.

* * *

Operator : How are you spelling that?

Caller : With letters.

* * *

Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

Operator : Do you have his name?

Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.

* * *

Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

* * *

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

All Time Christmas Favourite with a New Face

If I was asked 'What is your most favourite song and performer at Christmas', (and Lorna will certainly agree with this) is Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli singing 'The Prayer'.

 Well, I didn't think anyone else could sing his part as well as Andrea, but have a look at this link and see for yourself.

The Prayer

Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Sunny day at Point Gellibrand

Point Gellibrand in Williamstown Victoria was the site of the first Victorian settlement. At the time of settlement the land from Point Gellibrand to Wilsons Promitory was the roamed by a tribe of Aboriginals that became decimated and finally extinct by the advent of white man. Typhiod played a large part in the loss of this tribe.


Point Gellibrand was also the site of the first ship building yards in Victoria, and played a large role in the Victorian Gold Rush of the 19th Century.

The Point has good BBQ facilities, tables and toilet facilities, with views of shipping through the bay channel and paths to wander along the foreshore. It is an altogether pleasant place to go, very close to the city, and reachable via the two main freeways.

See photos here

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Worst Christmas Day Storm Ever.

Yesterday (Christmas Day) Melbourne and surrounding areas experienced one of the worst hail storms ever to hit Southern Victoria at this time of year.
read more..

Hail in Sunshine.

The storm was due to freak atmospheric conditions. Hail (no exaggeration) a bit smaller than cricket balls hit some areas. Thankfully, our area only experienced golf ball size hail, but that did some damaged to trees.

Tile roofs and car windows were badly damaged in those areas worst hit, and emergency services were swamped by almost 2000 calls over a period of several hours.

Even though this is unusual weather for this time of year, I do remember having bad hail storms in December in previous years, so there is no call for blaming changing weather patterns for the unusual storm.

ADDENDUM:
 After publishing this post this morning, I went outside to have look-see how the christmas lights survived the storm (they didn't), and found a huge gum tree branch had fallen across our new plants (see photos). I had to chop it up with an axe to get it off the plants.






Most plants (miraculously) survived unscathed. However, the new lime tree wasn't as lucky. I've patched it up and hope that it survives.

Just by the way, I have made 4 phone calls to Whittlesea council about getting them to prune the same tree which I considered far too overloaded with growth. Those calls were made from the period 30th September to the end of November. They still haven't done the job and the tree probably wouldn't have dropped the branch if they had carried out the work.

Sometimes I think we pay too much to councils when we can't rely on them doing the work they are paid for.